Water Scatters Playable Testing copy

When the apocalypse comes, of course it comes from China. You know: the virus spreads through contact. High mortality rate, especially for the immunocompromised and the old. High infection rate, R-naught almost 2. Anyone could have it. Money slows to a halt like a car out of gas, like lungs out of air. (click: "apocalypse")[ This is not a story about anything as big as apocalypse. This is a story of Lena. Lena is a Chinese-American woman who sequesters her body into a studio in the third-most populated city in the United States. Then, she sequesters her mind into the imaginary: fiction, movies, the Web, so that it can wander where she cannot, so that it can be infected by ideas. The soft cartilage between her neckbones wears thin and she begins to creak; the muscles of her shoulders and back shrink and dry under the blue light of the monitor that has become her sky. (click: "the Web")[ Thank God for the Internet. Thank God (and Hollywood) for the stunning decadence of //Crazy Rich Asians//, and for the assurance of true love in //To All the Boys I've Loved Before 2//. And //Parasite// for the thrills when everything falls numb. Thank God and Asian-American college students with too much time for the humor of the Subtle Asian Traits suite of Facebook groups. But her body could not hold in one position all day, so she explored [[her space]]. ] ]

The second day of the quarantine, Lena cleaned all the filth that she had learned to ignore. She tied up her hair and pulled on their gloves. The insides felt sticky - when was the last time these had been used? Now that her roommate had moved her furniture out, the dust and hair that had hidden underneath couches and bedframes floated freely. The stains on the walls stood out starkly. The trash filled with gray paper towels. She cleaned around her bed, the desk and the chair first, and then tackled the formerly shared parts: the area by the folding couch, the kitchen, and oh, God, the bathroom. The sink and the tub all scraped free of grime, the dishes out of the sink (though not returned to their cabinets), the floor swept, her and her roommate's hair stickied up off the hardwood with a used pantiliner. Everything was white and glistening. Like the world was reborn. Like that //[[Snowpiercer]]// scene when the girl holds her foot right above the crust of the snow. As Lena raised her foot, her back complained silently but eagerly. The mark of hard work. She stamped down on the floor. Her sound filled the room quickly and tucked itself away. (click: "white and glistening")[ Lena felt the grime on her hands. She knew, logically, that it was all in her head. But it was also on her hands. Gingerly, Lena first peeled off her gloves, and then her clothes, gingerly so that nothing would not be cross-contaminated. Besides, it didn't matter anymore if she was naked in the studio. As she waited for the [[shower]] to warm, she washed her hands first, for twenty seconds. ]

Ben didn't bring up their conversation about //Snowpiercer// anymore, thankfully. It made her angry. What did Ben say again? "I thought the ending was perfect." "Okay, but the fact that they all died? That makes the entire first part of the movie pointless." "The old world must be destroyed to make way for the new. You're thinking about it logically, but I'm thinking about it //poetically//. It has a poetical [[logic|her space]]." "It's not about that. It just doesn't make sense from the person writing it. You're defeating your own story." "I can't explain it. I can't explain it. It's just right. I feel it."

The shower was good, after all. She ought to shower more, even if she wasn't going to see anyone else. She began to rub the insides of her elbows with a flexed thumb. Her skin began to redden, and there it was, the slight roughness. Under her fingerpads, dead skin rubbed off like eraser shavings. Her(text-style:"smear")[ [[grandmother|Cry abt grandparents]]] had taught her to exfoliate with a rough towel, but she did not have one. Her hands worked similarly, but they could only cover a smaller area at a time. She rubbed the layers of old skin off for the fat streams of water to wash down the drain, into Oblivion. Although - they actually collected in the sewer. A cesspool of the dead skin of everyone in the city mingling, gray cast-offs swimming together. (click: "mingling")[ Despite the privacy of the studio, she heard muffled music from a neighbor. The voice of the singer sounded familiar. Khalid, an artist that she liked - at least, she liked his first album. She turned off the shower and shook each of her rubber slippers before stepping out, then leaned back and gathered the strands of fallen hair she'd stuck onto the shower wall. The //clean// shower wall. Outside, the sky rained down on the city and the [[streets were empty]].]

//Rain, rain, go away.// Now, it was all the people who were going away. She had just completed her rain outfit last spring with a knee-high pair of Hunter boots in a (link-reveal:"cool-girl mustard")[(open-url:"https://www.popsugar.com/fashion/Mustard-Yellow-Color-Trend-Spring-2018-44090716")], bought on sale. The first time she'd worn the outfit, she felt invincible. Every splatter partially blocked by the boots was a victory. She promenaded herself boldly past nearby vehicles and braved the water churned up by their wheels; she strutted through puddles that others dodged and created splashes of her own, occasionally showering unprepared pedestrians assholicly. (click: "strutted through puddles")[ By the time she got home, her faded-yellow rainboots were covered like a leopard's skin with irregular spots, rimmed in dark particles. Like the lakes & rivers she watched through airplane windows on her flights descending into China - but all dried up. She followed those rivers upwards. Her pants, too, were encrusted with filth. (click: "encrusted with filth")[ As a child, she'd show up to school in sopping sneakers while the other kids took off their rainboots. Cold feet and the squelch in her steps. Over time, she had gotten better at categorizing puddles, especially the inevitably enormous ones at intersections, knowing which were too deep and which could be stepped in at the edges and then jumped. When she asked her parents about why she never had rainboots, they shrugged. There was no answer to this injustice. She filed it away as another example of a Chinese or Asian "virtue" of self-denial, born out of complacency about poverty, born out of "when I was your age, I never had." ] In seventh grade she'd had to make a modern-day "(text-style:"smear")[[[Paris Street, Rainy Day|Everyone's the Same]]]." She'd stood at a street corner and taken a picture on a handheld camera, and then painted the scene in watercolor. She was good at copying the image, but her teacher did not like it. "Need to use your own voice," he'd said. Something like that. Essentially, "[[uncreative]]." ]

(open-url:"https://duckduckgo.com/?t=ffab&q=paris+street+rainy+day&iax=images&ia=images") The same people over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND WHEN WILL IT END? 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WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? WILL IT END? [[WILL IT END?|uncreative]]

"That was good," Lena said. She set her laptop to the side and leaned back onto the wall behind her bed. "Good suggestion." "Yeah? You like my movie choices?" Ben's voice popped from the phone. "But I thought you only cared about 'modern cinema.' And stories where people live at the end." Lena pictured Ben's smile. It would be the kind where his forehead wrinkled. Smug, but infectious. She realized that she was smiling, too. "It wasn't what I expected. And the Orientalism was pretty awful." "The Orientalism was egregious." "The ending makes sense. It's one of those 'accept the inevitability of death' things. So of course the woman accepts that he's dead in the end. I get that she chooses to die to 'join him,' but that's a stupid choice! She should just live her life." "Sounds like you're feeling better," phone-Ben laughed. "Less lonely?" (click:"feeling better")[ "I didn't say I was feeling bad." "Lena, since Nina left, you've done nothing but call me and talk about all the plans that aren't going to happen anymore." Lena sighed. "She's such a bad texter. Even our groupchat sucks. They send, like, one-word answers. They're probably just busy finding housing and stuff." "And having parties, and breaking quarantine." "Yeah - well. They're young. It's probably not a huge deal." (click:"bad texter")[ "I know it sucks. You and Nina were so close. You hung out, like, all the time. And didn't she say you helped her with her art? You really think she doesn't care about you anymore?" "I don't know. We were gonna change Asian America." "Maybe you should talk to some other Asians until this blows over." "Yeah. [[Are any of your other are friends still around?|Do you know any other creatives]]?" ]]

The world was very quiet. Only occasionally did a car race by outside. The ceiling was still. She was used to counting the banded patches of light that ran from the passing cars between the plastic slats of the blinds, and dragged along above her head. Only occasionally did a bright patch sweep past the static strips of the streetlamps. It wasn't possible that Lena was alone, because the building was full of residents. The members of the world had withdrawn, like those videos of tiny coral polyps retracting their arms into the hard shells that encased them. Lena's arms and legs spread across the bed. How would it feel now to extend long colorful tendrils out from her small casing of her apartment? She'd run them gently out the window, (text-style:"smear")[ [[probing at latches and floating through cracks]] ]. (click:"How would it feel")[ The rough brick's holes suck on and dry her feelers, but she can flow through air like it is water, and break from surfaces. Around, out, through, and under. The cool concrete of sidewalk at night, the powder of city dust lifting to reveal the slick surfaces of the cars. Her tendrils pour from her enclosure's window frame in every direction, tapping the tip of a tendril to the glass windows of Greenlight Coffee, over the swing seats of the children's playground and between the soft grains of the sandbox, around the Greek pillars of the library. Then, with another pulse of energy: [[beyond]]. ]

Lunch & Dinner Meal List Vegetarian • 鸡蛋西红柿 • Egg and tomato 面that 大妈taught me • Stir-fried kale w/ salt and pepper • Dried/fried 豆腐 + veggie • 白菜and garlic (and onions • Caprese (mozz and tomatoes and bread) with worchestshire & pom molasses reduction • Eggs, avocados, quinoa • Broccoli and sauce (+carrot) • Candied walnut salad? • Beer egg with miller high life? (2 cans) (text-style:"smear")[[[Pescatarian|Coronavirus Rant]]] • 油菜, mushrooms, oyster sauce • 白菜, garlic, shrimp skins • 茄子 (eggplant), garlic, and sauces!!! Ingredients • Avocados (chinatown market has for 50c ea) • Pastas • Eggs • Dried 豆腐 • Bai cai • You cai • 茐?? (fried rice?) • Sesame seeds • Dynasty hot oil • Mirin egg • Avocado pesto? • Five spice? • Trader Joe’s kale (good but plastic) • Gochujang sauce????? Snaxx • Trader Joe’s Cheetos • Trader Joe’s umami mushrooms • Kale chips • Honey peanuts To try • Stir-fried pasta • Savory yogurt • Seoul taco rice vinegar dressing

Maybe it came from fish. Or meat. China's like that, you know. Open-air markets: horse meat, dog meat, cat meat, frog meat. No one in China obeys the rules, so stay away - they might have broken the two-week quarantine. Avoid Chinatown. Avoid Chinese cities. Avoid Chinese civilization. Avoid their empire. There are bats there - I've heard there are giant bats. 11 million people in Wuhan. Wuhan virus. Shen Fever. Yellow fever. How many people have died? I bet more than they say. In China, the propaganda's bad! The population's dense, and [[rude as fuck|chat fantasy]]!

Day whatever of being unemployed. There was nothing to //do//. She made [[a list of grocery items]] for the next time she'd step outside: the only thing to look forward to. She knew that she should look for a job, but the thought of looking at her resume paralyzed her. She had already sent out a few applications into the void and was waiting for some response. If she wasn't qualified enough for those jobs, what was the point of applying for any more? An article said that HBO was free, and she clicked on a show with a stamp of an unhappy woman on it. VEEP, it was called, about political stuff. She ended up spending all day on it. Selina Meyer, the main character, was relegated to vice president and frustrated at the power of the presidency just out of her reach. It was addictive to watch her almost succeed to destroy her own plans. Lena texted the group chat with Nina and the girls, asking if they'd seen it. Three of them saw it and didn't respond. One person responded, "No". Lena typed back. "You should watch it!!!" She waited for a response. (click:"waited")[ They hadn't seen her message yet. "It's SOOO funny". Waited. (click:"Waited")[ "It would be a good way for us to talk again!!! :) ". Still waited for someone to say something. (click:"say something")[ Lena wanted to be Selina Meyer: important, impotent and angry, instead of impotent and unhappy. The woman used her power to criticize, mock, and insult, while Lena grimaced and smiled it off. The smiley face she'd sent grimaced in its attempt to absorb some of the diffidence that she feared was directed at her. The little icons of her friends lined up at the bottom of the chat window to stare at her in pity. "At least tell me to fuck off," she said aloud. "I could tell you to your face what a load of fake hoes you are." She wondered if they talked about her at their [[LA parties]]. Or if they just got shitfaced. It was probably too egotistical to imagine they still even thought about her, except when she embarrassed herself by texting them like this. ] ] ]

The feelers rouse, ruffled by the current, and move over and around every building, kissing each steel surface they pass as they grow in size. The streets run with movement, flowing like rivers, the whole city stuffed with thick threads of bright color that push up and, bursting with energy, thrust past the city until they hover in the air. Pulsing, swirling lazily. From above,(text-style:"smear")[ [[the city|Beijing Memory]]] looks like a many-petaled flower, an anemone grown around stiff shards. (click:"Pulsing, swirling lazily")[ One by one, the feelers retract, running back through alleys and behind bins and down empty lanes, up the brick wall and through the windowframe. They shrink from the city's edges into the small studio, [[underneath covers]]. ]

[[Lena falls asleep|quarantine was still happening]].

“I’m so glad we did this!” Zach exclaimed, taking my hand. It was lovely. It was lovely to feel human touch. “I’ve never thought bird-people were any different, from, well, normal people.” In the break room, close to our coworkers, we took a break from the rest of the world. “I feel safe,” I blurted, and blushed. “Good. I’m glad. I’m so glad.” He clutched me in a tight grip, his veiny square hand totally obscuring my own. I was just a man to him, nothing more. It didn’t matter to him that my feathers prevented real skin-to-skin contact, or that my bones were fragile. If only we weren’t in such a public space. I wondered what the inside of his home would feel like. Slipping inside the front door like slipping into conversation with him, as easy and natural as water sipped up with a beak. Somewhere safe and cozy with wide walls to roost, a place to fluff up and tuck the feet under feathers until the next day. The door clicked open. I meant to turn away. But when another bird-person entered, my stare flew over and raised goosebumps over the room. The other one saw me, stepped back and raised his wings. I looked away quickly. I felt my feathers rising, but even my embarrassment could not stop it. “It’s okay,” Zach said. His human hand squeezed my own. “Let’s talk to each other. Come on in, Kyle. Kyle, this is Kerrin. We were just talking.” Zach knew the other one? If I’d had human skin, it would have burned in shame. Of course he did. Zach probably kenw all the bird-people. If Zach had told me to say hi to the bird-person, I would have died. Luckily, Zach just kept talking. Kyle shifted back and forth uncomfortably as he found a paper cup and poured in coffee. Swish, swosh, on those long legs. “Where we are now, there’s plenty of room for everyone,” Zach was saying. “There’s no competition here. We brought you out of that place for a reason.” Kyle and I sized each other up. The yellow talons of his feet dug into the carpet, and his feathers were puffed upwards. Kyle probably could fly better than me. “You’re in our world now,” Zach was saying. “We don’t need this strutting. Come on, imagine you’re a person. Just a normal human person.” (text-style:"smear")[ [[I wish I could be as cool as him.|Boyfriend Twins]] ]

(background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[What were u up 2 today] If Nina were here, she would come up with something cute right away. This was an opportunity to remake herself. To see if she could become a more interesting version of a young Asian woman. What would she say if she were a someone who didn't slip into complacency like a second skin? She needed to come up with her lines [[quickly, without thinking too hard|What to say to Drew]], as if this were the real her - as if she were Nina.

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[I snuck into the subway tunnels today.] Lena had done no such thing. (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Wow rly? How did u get in?] (align: "==><=")[ [[No, kidding. Sat at home. You?]] ] (align: "==><=")[ [[Yeah. Pulled back the yellow tape on the turnstile n slipped under. I had my mask, so even if the cameras actually worked, they prob wouldnt have been able to identify me]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[No, kidding. Sat at home, obviously. You?] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Lol ur weird I like that ur different Kind of a freak myself In bed I mean ] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Hey, I'm rly not looking for anything] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[then why r u on tinder] (align: "==><=")[ [[To try something new]] ] (align: "==><=")[ [[Your profile was interesting]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Yeah. Pulled back the yellow tape on the turnstile n slipped under. I had my mask, so even if the cameras actually worked, they prob wouldnt have been able to identify me] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Lol girl ur crazy] (align: "==><=")[ [[Just playing|No, kidding. Sat at home. You?]]] (align: "==><=")[ [[I stood there, waiting for a train that would nvr come, on a platform meant for ppl in limbo in a time where everyone is in stasis]] ] (align: "==><=")[ [[I climbed down. I've seen enough rats on the track to b careful of the 3rd rail. There were steps at the end of the platform. The tunnel looked so empty. It was asking me to travel down into it]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[I stood there, waiting for a train that would nvr come, on a platform meant for ppl in limbo in a time where everyone is in stasis] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Tf] (align: "==><=")[ [[I unhooked my mask and dropped it into the tracks. It joined the other trash. Has anyone looked at you and raised their masks? I walked around n coughed n spat on every single surface I could find. The turnstiles. The walls. The floors. I took my clothes off and shook them so my dead skin cells would fly through the station. The dust would be filled with me, n anyone who walked in would inhale me n leave n cough me out. They would spread me without even knowing. I was here the whole time, within them n growing n they wouldn't even KNOW. I'm too much everywhere for them to see. In that subway I was naked and fresh and real and had just birthed millions of new beings to travel away and grow.|That would never work]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[I climbed down. I've seen enough rats on the track to b careful of the 3rd rail. There were steps at the end of the platform. The tunnel looked so empty. It was asking me to travel down into it] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Um you good? Lol] (align: "==><=")[ [[I walked and walked. Felt like it would nvr end. Like the space at the end of a question. I wasn't going anywhere bc I had no destination - I was just GOING. Every step I made, bits and pieces of my self flew off into that tunnel. I was getting smaller n smaller but the rails under my feet lifted me fwd. Then every fwd movement meant I hit these new blobs that globbed onto me and built out in these weird formations like a mold. I was all these bits and pieces like Frankenstein's monster. There was no turning back. I traveled through the entire city to trace my map of the places I knew and to add new ones in. They connected thru my steps and thru my motion. Then I realized that I was keeping it all alive. All the feelings I ever felt at these places were still there when I passed under them like a ghost. Giving my life to them to drink. So I left myself behind and I disappeared.|That would never work]] ]

No, that wouldn't work. She imagined herself waiting, trying to see if he was ghosting her or still responding. Wow. She was so boring that she couldn't even fake flirt. She must have been spending too much time with Ben, sinking into saying the same sorts of things all the time. She had to [[try again|Drew texts on Tinder]].

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (align: "==><=")[ [[Stayed at home. You?]] ] (align: "==><=")[ [[I snuck into the subway tunnels today.]] ]

She imagined a world where people could communicate their rumblings unflinchingly and not be ridiculed. People could express the feelings that they themselves didn't understand. A world where it was possible to have(text-style:"smear")[ [[understanding between strangers|Bird-People]]].

My best friend is the man who sponsored me. The human. When I first arrived, he was eager to teach me about everything: I was his "little bird." What I remember most was what he said about him and his boyfriend. "With the two of us - human men, I should clarify - we can look like what we desire. Boyfriend twins. And that's hot, isn't it? Almost like we're finding what we desire in each other, and then making ourselves in that image. I bet you could try it. He could wear feathers! I suppose the proportions are off. You could squat. It's really your legs that are too long for a human." He never even considered that I'd want to be with another bird-person. And he was right. It reminded me too much of the home I wanted to escape. The humans would think that I was just one of the many useless birds. Could Zach and I ever be boyfriend twins? If I lost all my feathers, I wouldn't look like a human. My skin would be bumpy and puckered from where my feathers had been. I'd look cold and frightened. I could not be beautiful like Zach is beautiful. He is not my mirror; he is my [[lens]].

It is hard to explain why I cry every time that I think of my grandparents. I would say it’s because they grow older from visit to visit, but every grandparent does that. It’s just that my own seem so vulnerable to the time that creeps up and won’t shake off. Remember Nai Nai in Yuyuantan park, laps by the lake, led by the hand. Now she can’t stand from the pain in her legs, and I wasn’t there to feel it come on. I can’t afford to see her more than every three years, so I write to lift the pain of being so far away. But by writing about her, I create another version of her, one of my interpretation, and display her for all to see. Cross-sections of life, mine and hers, passing each other in different directions and loving [[without a why|shower]].

In the morning, her first thought was that the quarantine was still happening. She opened her phone. There was some Facebook group called "Subtle Asian Mental Health" that one of Nina's friends had invited her to a while back that popped up on her feed. It was all Asians with mental health issues asking for help - though what being Asian had to do with mental health, Lena couldn't know. Someone was posting about "Guessers" versus "Askers." (click: '"Guessers" versus "Askers."')[ Askers felt that nothing was off-limits to be asked about: favors, information. They were prepared to take a "no." Guessers, on the other hand, only proposed a question if they thought the answer was likely to be yes. Anything otherwise was rude. It sounded more like Asian versus Western culture. She continued to scroll. There was a post from a pretty Asian woman worried about hate crimes. "In my city, an Asian woman was punched in the face on the train. They said, 'People like you brought this!' I take the train every day. What should I do?" Where was this woman? No sign. Lena lived in the city, so she should be fine. Right? This was the wrong sort of stuff to be seeing first thing in the morning. She pulled up the note app of her phone. (click: "note app")[ Lena had begun to concoct stories again. It was back when she was really into making fan versions of shows, comics, and books that she would construct her own stories within that world. Because her mind whirred for her to change the details, it was a good way of passing time. (click:"fan versions")[ Her fandoms were different from a typical fan's. Instead of blindly following what the creators dictated, she grew impassioned by what they left behind. What about the peasants? The rom-com girl who doesn't get the guy? It was almost like a make-believe, but instead of transporting herself to another world, she took a world and injected herself inside.] The note opened up. The characters sat on the screen in front of her. Surely, there wouldn't be a hate crime here, would there? No, the city was cosmopolitan. She'd seen all kinds of Asians around. It was more the fact of it happening. She needed [[a distraction|hate crimes]]. ] ]

One of Nina's friends would turn around. "Um, who are //you?//" "Lena Zhou. The girl whose place you stayed at and trashed, constantly, and said - said that you were friends with." "Well, we're not. Obviously. So why don't you get out?" Nina would laugh. "Well, that was pathetic." [[That was not going to work.|be cool]]

She needed to take Nina down. She needed to be cool, but unyielding. Lena would walk straight up to Nina and erase all emotion from her face. Stock still. Nina would try to pull her into a hug. "How's the 'quarantine?'" Lena would hiss. Nina would still be smiling. "It's good! It's //so// good to see you, Lena!" Lena would smirk. "Really? I came all this way and you're still going to pretend?" She'd shrug. "Of course. Once fake, always fake." The room would gasp in shock. She finally said it! Someone finally said it! "I've taken you under my wing, Lena. And you treat me like this?" "I don't need you to do that. You think you're better than me because you're a real artist, and I'm not. You're from LA, where there are a ton of Asians and it's easy to be one, and I'm from a suburb on the East Coast full of white people. Guess what. You're not any more of an Asian-American than I am, even if you are surrounded by a posse." (click:"ton of Asians")[ Nina would frown with a teary eye. She had always been so good at looking heartbroken. "You're sad because you're lonely, Lena. I never said that I'm more of an Asian than you - but, to be fair here in LA, we have a real culture. And, see? You can't even enjoy it here, after you finally did come. You've been diluted by the Whites. There's no way you could create Asian-American art like I do without all this culture." Because that was the truth, wasn't it? That Nina tapped into a channel of pure Asian-American feeling that Lena didn't have. There was [[a time when she and Nina had something in common]], Lena recalled with bitterness. But the second that space comes between the two of you, it's easy to see [[where real priorities lie]]. ] (set: $rememberedNina to false)

It was one of the first times Nina had talked about her art. It was a portrait on a white person on a canvas. Overlaid on top were lists of Asian names spelled in the Latin alphabet. The most noticeable feature was a cut-out in the middle where mouths were projected. The mouths, through the hidden speaker, spoke various mispronouncings of Asian names. Nina planned to exhibit it, and turned to Lena for her opinions. "Actually, my name is spelled L-I-N-A on my birth certificate. So this speaks to me." "Why did you change it?" "I just like it better with an E. It feels more mysterious." Lena shrugged. "I used to fight a lot with my parents. There's that." "It's cool that(text-style:"smear")[ we have this connection with our names. Just one letter apart. Two Asian women who like drawing, and big animals." Nina wrapped her arm around Lena. "I get so trapped in the art world sometimes. It's so full of pretension. But you say what's really on your mind. That's what I'm trying to capture: the real Asian experience. Thank you." How a relationship change so much when moving from past to [[present|where real priorities lie]]? (set:$rememberedNina to true)

Lying on her bed, Lena's heart raced with anger. She wished confrontation didn't upset her so much. She should just clear it out of her mind. How did people do it? How did they be assholes all the time and not care? The people in VEEP, at least, seemed to enjoy being angry. Maybe Lena needed to learn to love the anger. (if: $rememberedNina is false)[(click:"learn to love the anger")[ Lena took a breath. At their party, she would spread her arms and pull everyone's gaze from Nina to her. "You fucking West-coast Asians. Sitting around, posting photos about getting trashed while the world is ending. With your drugs and music and art, you've got it all figured out: how not to give a fuck about anyone who isn't you. "But, you want it both ways, so you can still cry racism and defend the 'real' Asians in Asia - and, by proxy, yourselves. With your West-coast culture, you think you're still connected to some pure Asian feeling. Hypocritical pieces of shit. Guess what: you're just as foreign as those 'Real' Asians, and with only half the self-awareness of the rest of us. Fuck off." ] ] Nina had told her they were best friends. Well, Lena had said it first. But she had agreed. They had built plans together to gather all the most insightful Asian-Americans they knew and start a society, Dada-style, to give Asian-Americans a place where they could express themselves, unfettered. How could one move back to LA break all contact between them? [[Their first meeting]] had changed so much for Lena, or so she'd thought. It was probably just that it was the first time she'd met someone so different. Not a big deal. Her mind whirred [[the hours away|polyp]].

does anyone hear me? hey! over here can i be honest w you do u think im a real Asian? bc like i nvr lived in asia, i dont have Asian relatives im trying to rediscover my heritage but i wonder like is it mine? to rediscover? like with my family i feel soo Asian because i just dont look like i fit in. and when ppl discover im the same age as my sister. i feel like they see me as 1 of those unwanted children From China. nd it makes me so mad, i want to say no thats not me but also i feel like thats my China. even tho i dont know anything abt China. i want to visit someday. but like i wont have a native accent nd theyll know. nd i dont FEEL that i identify w the 2nd gen kids or the international students. like im my own thing. like in my whole life that ive always been alone, w the ppl of my family, the neighborhood i grew up in, everything if i wear appropriative Asian things am i appropriative? idk lol [[i mean what do u think?|polyp]]

"I might know some people in Chicago, but they're not your type. I've actually been thinking. You're not creative." "Okay." It was one of his "discoveries," where he offered some insight on the world. This time, it had to be about her. "You're imaginative. You don't need the world to understand you." When he got into one of these theoretical tangents, he would get so caught up in the details of what he was saying. "What does that mean?" "It's good. The art world sucks. So, I'm a Black artist. Being an artist means I put work on display. I consider reactions and receptions. Every piece of art I look at, I have to consider as inspiration for my art or else something to react to. Then, especially because I'm Black, everything I create is under scrutiny. I have to be so careful at every step of the process. "On the other hand, you enjoy art and it inspires you, but you don't make anything that's going to be in a gallery. You make art for you. You're untethered in that way, and that's imaginativity. It's good to talk to you. You don't subject yourself to anyone else's opinions." "It must be so hard being an artist." "It is, even if you are being sarcastic. Why do you always have to get so defensive? You know we promised to be honest with each other. You're not a creative person, but you don't need to be. You're doing well - you //were// doing well with QA! And your imaginativity, which lets you connect to people, was probably a big part of it!" (click:"doing well with QA")[ "Well, I don't have that job anymore." "You still have your skills. I know you'll be able to find another because you're perfectly employable." "I gotta go." "I'm really not trying to make you mad." "I know. I just need to be alone." "If you recognize your strengths, it'll help you in the future, okay?" "Love you, bye." "Love you." "Bye." "Bye-bye." (click:"Bye-bye.")[ Lena lay back on her bed. Ben didn't mean to bother her. He had so much confidence that it was hard for him to understand that others did not. Why did it bother her so much that he didn't think she was creative? "Imaginative." Honestly, he knew more about the art world than she did. So why was she annoyed? Because if she were a real artist ... (click:"if she were a real artist ...")[then Nina would still be talking to her? Then she'd still have friends across the country, who wouldn't be throwing quarantine-breaking parties without her?] It was all ridiculous. The radiator clanked. Now that Ben was gone, she missed him. [[No one around|chat fantasy]]. Might as well go to sleep early. ] ]

"How are you so busy?" "You're not?" "No." "I have so much to do! I'm making art all the time. All those projects that I never got to do, like the one with the yarn. You remember that one. Really? You don't have anything like that? Not getting into any new fandoms? You always have something." "Not in the mood. I don't have a job, Ben." She wasn't even angry. Just sad. "Move in with me!" He laughed. "No, I'm serious. Not right now, of course. Once this is over. If you don't have a job, why don't you move in with me? It would make financial sense. Find a job here. We've been together for three and a half years now. Why not?" He was happy and confident: the future presented itself clearly. (click:"presented itself clearly")[ It made a lot of sense that he would ask. And she had known that this would happen eventually. Ben, who wore sweatervests with large resin earrings. Ben, who spoke about race decisively, as if life was as clear as throwing paint on canvas. Ben, who set about unpacking her as if each feeling was a nugget of delight for the two of them to celebrate. He trotted through life as if it were as direct as cutting through pie. That was what had attracted her. She, on the other hand, was a sticky nian gao: starchy, thick, amorphous and protective, wanting to keep everything that she touched close to her body. "I don't know." "You have nothing tying you. Weren't you going to visit Nina in LA, anyway? Well, don't visit her. Visit me. I'll introduce you to some of my friends and get you some connections." "It's your life. I don't want to intrude." (click:"intrude")[ "I know you want to forge your own way. But this isn't charity. I //want// you to stay with me. This could be our life. And, I'm doing pretty well, financially. I won't ask you to pay rent for the first bit if you can't afford it. It's ridiculous that landlords still charge rent when most people can't work." "Thank you. It would be nice to live with you." It really would. "I just don't know what's going to happen with me. If I'm going to get a job before quarantine lifts. Or when it'll lift. Or anything." What was her fear? She hated the uncertainty she had, but going to LA felt like a transplant of the drudgery, not a solution to it. If he'd promised her direction, instead, she might have accepted.(text-style:"smear")[ Commitment was putting her life in someone else's hands. "I get it. There's a lot of anxiety right now. No pressure. But think about it, okay? I'd be so happy for us to live [[together|Lena downloaded Tinder]]." ] ]

Just as she was about to hang up, Ben picked up the phone. "Hey." "I heard about another hate crimes. Don't people get that it's not an Chinese problem? It's a global problem. It's been global." She lay on her side and wrapped her blanket around herself. "Yeah, some people are still calling it Wuhan virus. I think the idea is to call the Chinese government out for underreporting numbers and stuff." "That's terrible." "Yeah. Pretty racist. Although, I do think they're lying about their numbers." It was probably true. China had terrible censorship. "But it's not worth the harm it does." "Yeah." "How do Black people deal with the violence? I mean, obviously, you can't speak for all Black people - " "Art. Music. I mean, the blues are full of unhappiness. //Citizen.// By Claudia Rankine. Oh, Malcolm X's autobiography, when he's converting to being a Black Muslim for the first time. For emotional processing, you can get that from any high-school curriculum: Toni Morrison, Zora Neale Hurston. Some of the people I mentioned are kind of problematic. But that's how life is. "Also, those are ways to deal with violence, but you can't ever really deal with violence. You just pass down the trauma." (click:"pass down")[ "And what happens to it?" "Becomes something else. I don't really know." "Do you think Asians are gonna keep getting hate crimes?" "You tell me. You're Asian." "I guess. I wonder if the people who are doing hate crimes can tell the different between Southeast Asians and East Asians. Or maybe they won't even care." "Probably not." They sat in silence. She stared out her window at the building across from hers. Ben spoke. "Sorry I didn't pick up right away. It's hard to call. I'm trying to put myself [[on a schedule|Ben move in]]." ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Just doing sth different. Life is too short to be sitting around With no ambitions] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Tru I think pandemic will be a great opportunity] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[ [[For what?|What are your dreams]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Your profile was interesting What did u mean by 'I don't wait for anyone'] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Not into letting other ppl ctrl me Out here pursuing my dreams you know] (align: "==><=")[ [[What are your dreams]] ] (align: "==><=")[ [[Me too, I don't answer to anyone]] ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[What dreams r u pursuing] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Currently working in corporate but I'm gonna be an entrepreneur soon Coronavirus is gonna change everything] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[What is your startup going to do] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Idk but deliveries r changing ppl r going digital lots of little places will b going out of business] (align: "==><=")[ I also have dreams. Not dreams, something dream-like.(text-style:"smear")[ [[Memories like funnel cake that fall apart when I pull|Smells of China]]] (align: "==><=")[ [[Wow. Aren't you afraid being Asian will put you at risk?]]]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[I don't answer to anyone] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[I never doubt myself. I never [[look back and regret|Nina wheel]].] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[That's the way to go. What's your [[Snap]] ] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Just for a new friend (me)]

(align: "===><===")[ [[Water Scatters|000b Welcome]] By Kellie Lu An extract from a novel-length series of passages about identity Submitted to the Program in Creative Writing University of Chicago In Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for the Degree of Bachelor of Arts May 4th, 2020 Advisor: Vu Tran ]

It feels like imagination, though it was a memory. Passing by on what I know as a bus, though the windows aren't dirty in memory and it's not crowded (//maybe it was a car//). The buildings are tall and close together with peaked roofs that look Asian, Chinese, maybe because of that particular type of roof slate. (//For a residential building?//) They were the former houses of soldiers, I was told by a family member. Some of the roof tiles are shattered and falling apart. They look like they'd been crushed. And there are so many of those houses, all so tall and stiff-backed and disciplined (//maybe six stories//) and so close together. White walls, pink roof. Falling apart. All separated from me by that wall, that white wall with the pink slate on top, which wraps around so many [[living-neighborhoods|beyond]] in Beijing.

My father told me in my mother's father's compound that the building before me had been something-or-other, maybe an administrative building for the Communist regime, or maybe the houses of soldiers - though that was another memory. It was now abandoned. With my camera or phone camera in my hand, I walked in through the half-open half of the double doors into a long hallway lined with doors. I took pictures of the grimy rust-crusted wide sink that stood in the hall; I took pictures of the doorways taped with pink pig posters over the windows. If I took the photo now, I'd try to frame the [[silent doors repeating|I AM HERE]], each like the other, distinguished only by the touch of people who'd left them behind. Inside my memory, the hallway stretches down to the edges of what I can recall. I was afraid to venture deeper. For good reason. A man emerged. I don't know how or from where. Youngish, with a close shave, wearing a white tank top and dark bottoms. He looked at me over his shoulder and his face in my mind was a psychological prototype; the representation of every youngish Chinese man I've seen. Then, there were more men. "I don't think it's actually abandoned," I said to my dad when I got outside. I must have spoken in Chinese, if we were in China. I was trying to remember how that place really looked, so I could know I wasn't lying to you. But I couldn't find the pictures to verify the memory. I don't know where they could be - I've seen no trace of them in my camera, my phone, or my two computers. [[Was I the ghost, floating, dredging a connection between past and present?|polyp]]

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I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE (text-style:"smear")[ [[Here I am.|probing at latches and floating through cracks]]] (text-style:"smear")[ [[is anyone else here?]]]

My high-school biology teacher told me the nose is connected to the brain directly, whereas the others are held behind a barrier and wait to be filtered. Sometimes when I am walking around - usually when I am alone, although it doesn't matter, because I will //feel// alone - a smell will take me back to the memory of my grandparents' housing complexes, and I will remember not a scene or an event but this //feeling// of a place that suddenly wisps into shape around me. I stop in my tracks, stop in time, and grasp for memories protected from time. Concrete and a notice board from an oblique angle next to a staircase with trees on the left. The smell of a dank basement stirs up a diagonal bike in a narrow frame, lit from behind, junk below, footsteps echoing. Why do I picture China in ruin? Why do I picture [[buildings that once held people|That would never work]] but now, in my mind, fall apart? I wall off my memories and enter them one by one; I use them until they flake into only a suggestion. A light spot where a piece of furniture once stood. An empty home, deprived of purpose.

So. Time for truth. The truth was, Lena had downloaded Tinder, just to meet friends. Not because she considered actually cheating on Ben. Even after he asked her to move in, she didn't feel guilty - well, she didn't feel //that// guilty. He was asking for something that she did not want. She needed her last hurrah before committing. She wanted to imagine. In a different life, she could be with someone else. (click:"with someone")[Or be single. She could //be// someone else.] She clearly made the first line of her description "Just looking for friends." Her first match was with some guy named Drew. When she pulled up his profile, she remembered why she liked him. He was also Asian. She'd never flirted with an Asian guy, since'd avoided other Asians before Nina. Well, she still wasn't actually going to flirt. He didn't smile in any of his photos, but he also didn't pose in any obvious way. Just stared into the camera. His bio talked about not waiting for anyone. Maybe she didn't know why she downloaded Tinder. Maybe her motivations were not as clear as she'd imagined. [[He'd messaged her|Drew texts on Tinder]].

Please explore with an internet connection, when possible. I encourage you to explore this text instinctually first, and then use the proofing copy as a reference. Any text marked by two brackets is a link to another passage. If there is no "|" character, then the text inside of the brackets is the name of the passage that the link travels to. If the text is separated by the "|" character, then the text to the right of the "|" is where the link travels to. For example: "[[000a How to Read the Proofing Copy]]" travels to the passage called "How to Read the Proofing Copy." "[[Let's go!|000a How to Read the Proofing Copy]]" also travels to that same passage. A single hanging bracket ("]") is for formatting and can be ignored.

Nina was hauling a giant spinning wheel of fortune. "One of my earlier works," she said casually when she saw Lena looking. There were two rings: the outer, white, that had a variety of point values from 500 - 1000 and descriptions underneath of one good fortune or the other: "finance career," "lead role," "SUV." The inner ring was bright yellow and the points had a cap of 500. A few descriptions read, "best friend role," "STEM job." "I don't like it anymore. It's too on the nose." "Who says?" "My college, when I showed it at a festival." "Yeah, but on the nose is fine. You're telling an Asian story. We //have// to be on the nose. Our stories sound cliché because no one's telling them. We need to be louder." "Yeah, we //have// to be on the nose! Because no one is saying what everyone thinks! People don't get Asian-Americans. We have to tell our story. And, if it seems clichéd to you, it's because your story has been told. But we're still building ours." "Why are //they// judging, anyway? It's our story!" (click:"our story")[ Nina looked at Lena. "That is such a good point. It is our story, and we need to be able to tell it in a way that is true to us. Because it's //for// us." "Yeah. And //this// is true to me." Nina tilted her chin down so her eyes dominated her face. "Lena. I appreciate you so much." She reached a skinny arm and pulled Lena into a hug. "I'd never thought about it like that. I was so stuck in this //in//-sti-//tu//-tionalized mindset about what I needed! I really need your perspective. I was going to dump this, but now I know who it's for." She smiled. "It's [[for you, Lena|Me too, I don't answer to anyone]]." ]

(set: $seconds to 30) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it - 1) (if: $seconds <= 0)[(goto: "Stayed at home. You?")] ] } (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Wow. You're going to bring in the new era. Aren't you afraid being Asian will put you at risk?] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Risk of what] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[Hate crimes] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Lol nah] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Ppl r always stupid, regardless of the time] (background: #2687F3)+(align: "==><=")[It could get worse if this lasts] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[Things can always get worse] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[You can't think of the worst-case scenario] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[You'll nvr get anywhere otherwise] (background: gray)+(align: "=><==")[No biggie, I'll teach you. [[Snap?|Snap]] Just as friends?]

No, she didn't entirely trust his intentions. But with this distance, no harm could be done. Could it? This was why she had Ben. She valued his steadfast opinions and the predictability of his personality quirks. Stupidly, this conversation made her value him more than ever. She was no longer used to strangers who had sets of values that were so different from her own. It was refreshing, but also jarring. Maybe the reason she downloaded the app was to have the unknown. To introduce chaos into her life to show that she was in control of her ebbs and flows. It was destructive and stupid. If Ben found out, he would be hurt, and might even dump her. Would probably dump her. But she had the whole rest of her life to [[live the way she wanted to.]]

Lena could not change the world. Could she really [[change herself|Me too, I don't answer to anyone]]?

When she'd first met Nina, she'd felt an instant affinity, if not a connection. Nina was outgoing, skinny and cheery, while Lena tended to lapse into dough-faced silences. Lena's roommate had just taken another months-long trip. Without her prim presence, it was freeing to hang out in the studio, but Lena had grown used to another person. The irregular few months in, followed by many months gone was worse than being always confined or always alone. When Ben texted her that an artist friend of an artist friend from LA named Nina was looking for a place to stay, Lena eagerly offered her apartment. It would be nice to have someone to talk to the way she and Ben used to when they lived together. And unlike her spoiled roommate, this artist friend might actually do the dishes. (click:"presence")[Lena had waited nervously on the edge of her bed for Nina to text her from the lobby. (click:"text her")[She should have arrived twenty minutes ago - maybe the traffic was really bad. (click:"arrived")[ The knock on the door startled her. Through the peephole, she saw a green beanie covering a head of straight black hair. She fumbled for the lock. (click:"fumbled for the lock")[ "Hi!" cried the girl who must have been Nina. "Lena, right? It's so nice to finally meet you!" She opened her arms in an embrace. She wore a plaid puffer jacket, way too warm for this time of the year. Lena dissolved into it. "You, too." Green beanie, red plaid jacket, purple suitcase. The suitcase was enormous, and she struggled to pull it through the doorframe. "I needed some art supplies," she muttered apologetically. Her hair was silky and long, and her skin was pale. She had large eyes and a single dimple when she smiled, which she did ecstatically and often. Every movement of her contained many smaller ones. Lena helplessly offered to take her jacket. "Hold on; just gotta get my house shoes." With a plasticky plop, a pair of red rubber slippers landed on the floor, and the girl stuck her bright yellow socks into them. (click:"red rubber slippers")[ The slippers brought an unmistakable shock of recognition. After six years of avoiding other Asians, seeing this one treat her habits so casually felt like an embrace. Her bare toes scrunched self-consciously. The movement did not escape Nina's eye. "You don't wear slippers?" "No." "Are you even a real Asian? Oh, my gosh, you look so shocked; I'm so sorry! I was joking. I guess it's not the West Coast anymore. I used to be like those kids from 'Butterfly Soup,' do you know that? Where they thought 70% of the US was Asian, or whatever. I'm so glad to be staying with another Asian. You're Chinese, right? Me, too! Mando or Canto?" "Um, Mandarin." "Great! You can help me. I need some translations for a painting." Nina never introduced herself as such. She just [[entered a space|where real priorities lie]] and expected you to know. ] ] ] ] ]

If she could crash their party, she'd tell them how she felt about their abandonment. The look on their faces if Lena strutted in. Wearing a crisp blazer and a face full of immaculately done makeup to transform her into a vision they'd never thought they'd see. First. She'd knock. "Someone get the door!" Nina would yell. Then, "Wait - who could it be?" And then //blam//, Lena would burst in, knocking aside whichever lackey that unwittingly aided Lena's mission, until she rolled to a stop in front of Nina. (click:"in front of Nina")[ Lena's face would be an inch from Nina's. She'd pull back her lips, exposing her teeth, dropping each word from her mouth. [["Who the fuck. Do you think you are."]] ]

She would just be. (font:"Georgia")[Thank you for reading this excerpt of //Water Scatters//. To learn more, please (link-reveal:"click this link.")[(open-url:"https://www.kellielu.squarespace.com/games/water-scatters")]]

Welcome to a preview of Kellie Lu's thesis for public release. If you would like to skip to the [[explore-your-own subconscious Tinder adventure|Lena downloaded Tinder]], it will take around 10 minutes to go to places you might not expect. Or, [[enter the story of the apocalypse|The Apocalypse]] for a longer experience. The story does not save your progress. Email kellielugames@gmail.com if you want the (text-style:"smear")+(color:"orange")[incendiary] version - let's talk about race!